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I'm not gonna apologize for hating this day.  Everyone expects something, but are unwilling to reciprocate.  Sure, sure, christmas is for GIVING.  Well I've just decided I'm not spending anymore time cooking, cleaning, spending money I don't have in order for my "loved" ones to just buzz by for their presents.  An Ambien and Clonapin every eight hours today, and I've almost got it down.  Oh and earplugs so I don't have to hear their whining on the phone.  Yeah Christmas! 

Writer's Block: Drum roll, please!
No.  Because nothing is worse than the holidays.

The eve of Christmas
One more day and I can relax.  I hate this time of year.  Being alone sucks, especially when you have loved ones that don't bother with you on the holidays.  Was I such a bad mother? bad friend?  bad sister? bad aunt?  I guess so.  I want to pick up the fphone and call them, but since I already have, well...

Just one more day.  Just one more day.

Same ol same ol
Like the Subject line says...

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Mental Illness. 

I know I'd start feeling better if I'd just get up, walk across the room and take my meds.  But since there's no one who actually gives a shit about me, why bother? 

No one includes myself.  Even after years and years (decades of "therapy") I still deep down really don't give a shit about me.  When you're weaned to believe you're nothing but a nuisance and burden, it's kinda hard to even pretend I don't believe it.  With the meds at least I can quit thinking about it some.  But when it comes right down to it.  NOBODY really gives a shit about anybody.  The most anyone has ever given me is talk. "Oh I'll help you, I'll do this for you" and then I wait, and I'm still where I was.  Needing help and having to figure out on my own how to get it done.  One professional once told me "Life is easier when you have people to count on".   snort.  Okay.  good  to know.  Irrelevant in my case, but hey whatever.  If it makes you feel better to spout text book crap, then go ahead.

Back to the meds.    I will not actively kill myself.  Okay I can't just lay down and quit.  Believe me.  That movie "Somewhere in time"  where Christopher Reeve just sat in his chair until he died is BULLSHIT!  Quitting just doesn't work. 

The X
So glad it's over.
So mad I wasted myself.
So thankful that it was so easy.

So glad my lack of interest was him and not me.
So mad I didn't see him clearly from the start.
So thankful I have my life back.

And yet I ask,  When is it going to be my time?

Or is this as good 

Okay.  I'm about at the end of my rope.  That SOB.  I don't know why I never saw how abusive this guy was until lately.  Stupid fuck.  He's so intent on being right that he doesn't care about what matters to me.  So is he the stupid fuck or me?  duh.

Dear God, will I ever get this right?

I know ranting and raving about my choices doesn't do much good, but hell, how many times do I have to get it wrong?

Once again the poor me
Feeling down again.  I'll take a sleeping pill to head off all these bad thoughts.  Try again tomorrow.

(no subject)
I like sushi.

(no subject)
Blah blah blah.  Blah blah.  Blah blah.

I try to care.  I just don't.